


Good By the Only Definition That Matters

by GoingCaked



Series: No Path is Ever Completely Smooth [3]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Awkward Sexual Situations, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 08:35:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoingCaked/pseuds/GoingCaked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been four months since Ray realized he was asexual and he's feeling much more secure in himself and wants to try sex again. Almost entirely Ray/Ryan.</p>
<p>Not actually smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good By the Only Definition That Matters

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains: reference to sexual trauma (only really the fact that it's a thing that exists), communication about sex that isn't always 100%, some dealings with internalized harmful views about sexuality, and a character repeatedly calling themself stupid.

Ray wanted to have sex.

Probably.

It had been four months since Gavin’s stupid ass ‘who can go the longest’ bet and the realizations it had brought. _Coincidentally_ that was also the same amount of time since Ray had gotten any, and it was about time he got his ass back in the dicking game.

Maybe.

It really had been _awhile_ and Ray was still feeling kind of hesitant. Any anxiety that had been a result of the bet had faded ages ago, that wasn't the problem. It was just…

What if he really _didn’t_ want sex?

The fact that he did actually enjoy sex had been a significant part of how he understood his whole 'asexual awakening thing' but now that he was actually facing having it again…

How sure _was_ he that he actually enjoyed sex?

Man it would fucking suck if it turned out he didn't.

So despite being ready to bang again, he was hesitant about actually going and _doing_ it. He didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of realizing he was wrong, and he _really_ didn't want to deal with the inevitable 'group talk' that would follow that realization.

And those concerns probably explained why Ray still hadn’t gone and mentioned to anyone that he was over his brief anxiety about sex with them.

Because, see, if he didn’t have sex again then he couldn’t find out that he didn’t like sex, and then they could all carry on living in a world where Ray liked sex. It was a flaw proof plan except: a) Jack would probably notice if he never had sex again and want to talk about it, and b) Ray kind of missed sex.

Making out was definitely fun, but lately it had felt like it was always being cut short. He wasn't sure whether that was something he was genuinely noticing or if he was picking up on the others trouble adjusting their usual routine of kiss-to-sex. Either way he was left feeling like he wanted more than he was getting.

He liked being close to his boyfriends, and feeling their heat, and rolling around and giggling with them.

It had taken him awhile, but he thought he was maybe starting to work out for realsies what it was he wanted from sex. Those tense, serious times where it felt like the arousal could be cut with a knife had never really interested him, but the mundane fun things _had._ He missed the casual morning humps and make-out sessions that just kind of slowly shifted and their just being casual with each others bodies.

He missed that. But.

But.

If it _did_ turn out that he didn’t like banging he didn’t want it to immediately be _group business_. It was stupid, and bad communication, and he knew that, but he really didn’t want to deal with figuring _that_ _out_ with five people breathing down his neck for concrete words and decisions.

So that meant he needed to pick one person who would be up for some stress free sodomy and was good at keeping their mouth shut.

So that ruled out Gavin.

Ray kind of felt like he was supposed to default to Geoff for this sort of thing, but he also kind of knew that Geoff would make a big deal out of it even if he was trying not to. Same went for Jack.

Which left Michael or Ryan. Both were good enough at keeping things private, and both had a pretty good chance of not making things super weird.

He had known Michael the longest, and he had been the least weird about the whole ‘asexual’ thing. But then again, Ryan would probably be slightly better at handling things if something _did_ go wrong, Michael had a tendency to always act like he just really wanted to go get Geoff when he had to deal with that sort of thing.

Whatever he wanted to do though he better do it soon, because procrastination time was running out. Not just because the longer he waited the more nervous he would be and the greater chance there was that Jack would want to talk about it, but also because the talk of them all moving in together had been gaining momentum lately, and it would make it much harder to have a secret bang session if they all lived together.

So. Right. Decision making.

Michael and Ryan were both about even in terms of keeping their mouths shut when asked. When it came to keeping things not weird Michael might come out on the bottom though, since he would probably be more likely to want to talk about things rather than just trusting that Ray asking meant he was sure…

So he was asking Ryan. Because the absolute last thing he wanted was to have to reassure someone that he was sure about anything, because he doubted he could get through that conversation without chickening out.

  
  


*

  
  


The next time he was alone with Ryan was Thursday after work. Jack was out of town, Michael and Gavin were recording late, and Geoff had some shit to take care of. Which all meant that Ray didn’t even have to come up with a stupid sounding excuse for why he needed a lift home alone with Ryan.

Sure, he could have just asked Ryan on a one-on-one date. But as cool as Ray thought Ryan would be with it he was pretty sure he'd be a lot _more_ cool with it if he knew for sure that Ray wasn't doing this on impulse. So that would meant they'd have to have the conversation about sex in the middle of the date, and then it would just be sitting there for the rest of the evening, and then they’d have to plan _another_ date and Ray would spend all the time before _that_ date panicking, and it would look weird to the others if Ryan and he had two alone dates close together so then Ray would have to deal with _that_.

So, nope, not doing that. They would just pre-plan one sex date. Luckily Ray had this perfect opportunity while Ryan gave him a ride home. All Ray had to do was casually bring it up sometime during the half-hour car ride.

Ray waited nervously for a couple of seconds when they got in and Ryan started the car, but Ryan didn’t start talking.

Ray didn’t want to be the one to just start the conversation. ‘Hey, Ryan, nice weather. Wanna bang?’ That would be weird. So Ray waited for Ryan to start talking.

“What game are you working on?” Ryan asked.

“Uhh, some older stuff I didn’t get to the first time around,” Ray answered, feeling tense.

“Cool.”

Ray couldn’t think of any way to change the conversation around to be about the possibility of boning. Games and sex didn’t really have anything in common. Maybe he could bring up a game that did have sex? What games had sex? Well, okay, _all_ the games had sex in one way or another, which Ray was still annoyed about. But he’d complained to Ryan about that overload of sex a couple of times, so would it be weird to then use it to segue to something positive? Or would Ryan take that as a hint that he was subtly saying he found sex annoying and just something to be put up with?

Oh shit, too late. The conversation had lulled long enough that it would just seem weird to bring it back up now.

After a few minutes Ryan turned the radio to a bad pop station that neither of them would non-jokingly admit to liking and turned his attention to driving.

Ray didn’t pull out his phone like he normally would have, instead just sitting their looking between the window and Ryan.

He could use the music as a segue. Literally all of those songs were about banging, so it wouldn’t be too hard to think of something?

But was Ryan actually listening to the music or did he just kind of have it as background noise? It would be strange as fuck to Ryan if Ray made a comment about a song Ryan wasn’t listening too. He’d make a joke, and then Ryan would ask what he was talking about, and Ray would have to say it was the song, and then either Ryan would think he wanted to lament some more about how sexual songs were or it would be so fucking obvious that Ray had been waiting for the segue, and then it would be all just awkward and tense.

Ryan dropped him off without Ray having said anything.

Ray kicked himself as he climbed the stairs to his apartment. _What the fuck was that?_ He’d had the perfect opportunity and he’d just wasted it. He was such a fucking moron.

But how the fuck was he ever supposed to bring this stuff up with Ryan? Apparently he was too much of a chicken shit to do it in person, so what was he supposed to do?

He supposed he could always send an e-mail or something. Wasn’t that supposed to be a common piece of advice? If you can’t say it in person say it in writing? But really, how lame and kind of suspicious would it be to send Ryan an e-mail saying ‘hey, let’s secretly bang’?

God he was such a loser.

But really, he had to do it sometime or else he’d never end up having sex again.

Ray walked over to his computer without giving himself time to reconsider and opened his e-mail.

‘Hey want to bang? Please don’t tell the others :)’ he typed and sent it to Ryan.

…

…

Oh god what the fuck. Ryan was going to think he was _such a freak._ What the fuck had he been _thinking_. That was such a weird ass thing to do.

Ray’s phone started ringing and he fumbled it out of his pocket and looked at it in horror as his caller idea read ‘Rye-bread’ because of fucking course Ryan got e-mails on his fucking phone.

Ray declined the call in much the same way he’d pull his hand back from a hot surface. Which. Yeah. Great going there Ray. You send him that weird ass e-mail and then won’t take his call? Fuck is wrong with you?

But apparently Ryan was a better boyfriend than he had any right to be because Ray’s phone beeped with a text from him, reading ‘sure. You going to tell me why?’

Ray texted back, ‘I want to get back into things, but not with so many yet.’

‘Sounds good. When do you want to?’

‘How about tomorrow? My place?’

‘Okay. We can order food and play COD.’

Ray breathed and let out a chuckle of relief. God, why had he been freaking out about that so much? What the fuck did he think Ryan was going to do?

So he had a sex date with Ryan for tomorrow. His stomach started to flutter.

This was probably the first time _ever_ he had actually asked for sex and it felt kind of… decadent. Like he was being wantonly greedy or something, and the naughtiness gave him a bit of an unexpected thrill.

He wondered if he should do something to prepare, but what? His apartment was already clean, and he was fully stocked with lube and condoms and things, so there wasn’t really anything to do but wait.

  
  


*

  
  


He spent all that night and the next day with his stomach twisting itself up into knots.

What if it didn’t work out and everything went horrible? He'd be embarrassed as shit and he and Ryan would have to talk about it and _then_ they’d have to talk with the others and Ray would be causing the relationship to be re-organized _again_ because of him. He had been working off the assumption that eventually he would re-join the bang-fests to at least some extent so hadn’t been too worried about the fact that the other five would occasionally get together for a night without him, but he really didn’t want that to be some sort of permanent situation. But it also wasn't like he could just tell the others they weren't allowed to enjoy each other how they wanted just because he was feeling left out, either. It would all just get very messy if the sex went badly.

Plus there was the _worst_ worst case scenario that Jack’s worrying hadn't been unfounded and it turned out that Ray secretly _was_ traumatized and he ended up having a breakdown or some shit.

That would suck.

But on the other hand… it could be _really_ good. If before, when he'd basically just been going along with things, he had found sex okay, then how good would it be when he actually knew he could direct things? Throughout the day he couldn’t help picturing himself and Ryan with their mouths and bodies pressed together, rolling around and laughing ( _are you sure you’re asexual?_ ), causing a smile to play on his lips.

God it had been a long ass time since he’d had sex. Could he even completely remember what it felt like? What if he was so out of practise that he ended up elbowing Ryan in the stomach (again) or something? He was pretty sure Ryan had the best grasp on the fact that he wasn’t a child just because he wasn’t obsessed with sex like them, but what if that changed if Ray ended up fumbling his way through this like some sort of virgin kid? He’d just been getting past that shit with the others, he didn’t need more of it.

So, yeah. Maybe he was a bit jumpy that day. Which, really, how fucking stupid could he be? He’d had sex before. He’d had _orgies_ before. He wasn’t scared of sex! He could kick sex’s ass!

He kind of wanted to throw up.

All day Geoff kept sending him worried glances, and Jack kept asking if he was feeling okay. There really were a lot of downsides to dating co-workers.

But eventually the day ended. They all stood up, stretching and started to gather their stuff.

“Lindsay said she can give us a lift in twenty,” Michael told him.

“Actually,” Ryan said, “I’m going over to Ray’s tonight.”

Ray kind of felt like his face was heating up and that it had just gotten very obvious that he and Ryan were going to go off and bang. Which was completely stupid. They hung out in pairs _all the time_. Just because one of them was sleeping over at someone else's place didn’t mean they were going to do the do.

Well, okay, it might actually mean that with the others. But it didn’t automatically mean that with _him_ , not even before everything. So there was no reason at all why anyone would assume that Ray and Ryan were getting together to bone. For fuck’s sake they’d hung out just the two of them last Tuesday. There was absolutely no reason that the others would know what they were going to do.

The others totally knew what they were going to do. He could tell from Michael’s smirk and Jack’s look of concern. Or maybe he was just imagining things. Or maybe he was dreaming and he would wake up soon and none of this would have happened.

Holy fuck did he want to wuss out.

But apparently Ryan had decided that wasn’t going to happen because he just gently placed his hand on Ray’s shoulder and started walking him out to the parking lot.

Ray wanted to tell Ryan that he’d reconsidered and instead go and hide in his room under the covers for the next year. Ray wanted Ryan to be polite and give him an out. Ray wanted Ryan to not come anywhere close to asking if he was sure because if he did Ray would lose his nerves.

Ray managed to find a good compromise between running and keeping going by burying himself in his DS for the entire ride to his place. He didn’t really get much done in his game, and he was suddenly glad that he had chosen Ryan instead of Michael. Michael would have been able to tell that he wasn’t actually paying _any_ attention to Pokemon.

Actually, Ryan probably _could_ tell. He was a pretty observant guy. Not that Ray was being subtle. _Gavin_ could have probably managed to pick up on how tense Ray was. But Ryan didn’t say anything, just turned the radio on low and pretended to be humming along significantly less than he actually was.

It should have been tense and awkward and leave Ray wanting to curl up and hide, but somehow it didn’t. Ray’s stomach was still in knots, but the fact that Ryan was just gently keeping things going was letting Ray’s shoulders relax. Ryan could take care of things from here. He was in good hands.

It still took Ray a couple of tries to get his shaking hand to get the key in his lock to let them in, but Ray really _was_ starting to feel more sure of himself.

“Do you want to order pizza?” Ryan asked as he set his things down in the entrance way.

“Sure,” Ray answered, not turning to look at him, instead deciding to busy himself with disconnecting his main x-box from his computer and connecting it to the TV. But then he realized they would need both the X-Boxes since they were going to be playing on-line not local. He didn’t want to look weird by disconnecting the X-Box and re-connecting it again immediately so he disconnected the second X-Box from the TV and re-connected that one to his computer monitor.

He could hear Ryan placing the pizza order while he swapped the X-Boxes, and by the time Ryan got off the phone Ray had successfully wasted enough time that they could jump right to playing and Ray wouldn’t have any awkward waiting around time in which to chicken out.

Ray managed to force himself to zone out on COD to try and keep his panic down, and was again grateful that he had chosen Ryan, because unlike Michael, Ryan was totally fine with not talking for long stretches of time.

They played mostly in silence for so long that Ray was beginning to wonder if maybe they weren’t going to do this after all, but then Ryan reached over and stopped Ray from joining the next game.

Ray’s heartbeat immediately started to pick up as Ryan took his controller and put it and his own on the floor next to the couch before reaching up and cupping Ray’s cheek and pulling him in for a kiss.

Their stubble brushed together and Ryan’s face pushed Ray’s glasses into his cheek. Ray wasn’t exactly in top kissing form, mostly just sitting there all tense and letting Ryan lick his mouth.

Ryan pulled back and chuckled, “You okay there?”

Ray swallowed and nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Nothing wrong here. Every thing's good.”

Ryan laughed again and wrapped his hand around Ray’s waist and pulled him so he was straddling Ryan’s lap. “Good to hear,” Ryan said and buried his face in Ray’s neck, sucking deep at his shoulder just where his hoodie would hide the mark.

Ray groaned and brought his hands up to bury in Ryan’s hair as Ryan’s hand slipped up the back of Ray’s shirt, intermittently stroking and gripping.

Ray let his head fall forward and lost himself in the feeling of Ryan’s mouth on him, pushing forward to try and feel more of Ryan's solid presence.

Eventually Ryan wrapped his arms more solidly around Ray and stood, causing Ray to gasp and wrap his legs around Ryan so he wouldn’t fall.

Ray laughed as Ryan, slightly awkwardly, carried him into the bedroom and laid him on the bed.

Still laughing, Ray planted his feet and pushed himself up to lounge against the pillows, playfully beckoning Ryan forward.

Ryan smirked and threw off his shirt.

Ray saw Ryan shirtless all the time, but usually he didn’t get the chance to admire the sight as fully as he did now, and boy did he let himself admire.

Ray reached out and pressed his hand against Ryan’s chest as Ryan climbed onto the bed after getting out of his pants. Ryan didn’t have the muscle tone of Michael, but he was solid and warm under Ray’s hand and it made his heart sing.

He wanted to sit here and run his hands over Ryan’s body, just enjoying his warmth forever, and it suddenly occurred to him for the first time that he _could._

Before, these moments just before the sex started had been brief little things for Ray to cherish, but now… He could just _ask_ Ryan and they could just stay at this point for as long as Ray _wanted_.

That sent a heady thrill of power through Ray and he looked up at Ryan, “Can we just do this for a bit?”

“Of course,” Ryan said, “You going to take your clothes off too?”

Ray grinned and practically threw his shirt off, body suddenly thrumming with the amount of _control_ he had over the whole affair. Ray pulled Ryan down on top of him, pushing their mouths together and letting his hands roam freely.

Ray let himself fall into the moment. He was still wound up about the encroaching sex, but this was the most he’d ever allowed himself to just enjoy this without the focus being on what followed.

Ray knew that they did need to move onto the sex-sex part of the sex eventually, but kept them at this stage long enough that he was feeling sated and much more settled.

He shifted enough that he could feel Ryan’s fully erect dick against his hip. Ray took a deep breath and said, “So onto the main show then?” trying to keep his tone light, even though his nerves were quickly returning.

“Okay,” Ryan said agreeably, “Who’s on top?”

“Uhh, you, if that’s okay?” Ray wasn’t sure he’d _ever_ topped Ryan, and the thought of it just kind of seemed weird to him. Plus he kind of didn't want to have to go through all the trouble of working up a proper erection.

Ryan reached over and took his packet of lube and condom off the bedside table where he’d thrown them.

Ryan went to tear the lube open but Ray stopped him, “Mind if I prep myself?” he asked a bit hesitantly. His confidence was starting to fade fast as he felt less and less like he had a handle on things. Foreplay shit he had down, but actual _sex_ … Not exactly his area of expertise. But he still tried to at least fake the confidence he’d felt a few minutes ago in a hope that that would be enough to see him through.

_You can ask for what you want. Wanting something is a good enough reason to have it,_ he tried to reassure himself. He still felt a little illogically guilty about even asking for this little thing. A part of him felt like Ryan was the sexual one here, so what the fuck was Ray doing trying to step on his toes by directing this in any way? But that was really stupid, and it would be stupid of Ray to let those thoughts win.

Ray pulled the packet of lube open and was kind of surprised when it didn’t spray everywhere. He kind of felt like this should be happening as if he were a virgin, and it felt weird to have that reminder that his body _did_ actually know what it was doing. Ray coated his fingers and didn’t bother warming it before leaning over and slipping two fingers inside.

He hadn’t had anything in his ass for months, so it didn’t go as smooth as he was used to, but it was still an easy enough entrance. So long as Ryan didn’t jackhammer into him or anything he doubted his ass would be feeling it too much tomorrow, which was kind of reassuring. All of this could be left here if Ray wanted it too, there didn’t have to be any repercussions if Ray didn't want there to be. It kind of made him feel like in this moment, he could do anything.

Ray tried to ignore Ryan as he focused on the slightly awkward task at hand. When he was done Ryan took the half empty packet and used the rest of the lube on his dick. “Missionary?” Ryan asked and Ray swallowed and nodded.

He was very, _very_ quickly losing the last of the nerve that he had built up. He wasn't sure he would have said anything even if he _didn’t_ want to do it face-to-face.

Ryan shuffled over on his knees and lifted up Ray’s offered ankles to put them on his shoulders.

Ryan looked at him for confirmation, and Ray swallowed the dryness in his mouth and nodded.

Moment of truth.

Ryan slipped inside and started thrusting at a gentle pace.

There was a bit of a stretch in his ass from how long it’d been since he’d last had something in there, but it felt nice. His legs hurt though. He’d have to start stretching or something or he was going to turn into an old man.

Other than that, now that Ray was experiencing sex for the first time without having to worry about what he was _supposed_ to be feeling and what he was _supposed_ to be doing, it was kind of…

Boring.

Ryan’s dick in his ass was okay. It was a nice feeling, and Ryan was doing a good job of hitting his prostate. 10/10 - would bang again. And Ryan in all his Ryan-ness was still there for Ray to enjoy, and he did look pretty good making stupid sex faces.

But other than that? Yeah, Ray really was just lying there waiting for it to be over. Ray reached down for his own cock and started to pump it, experimenting with rocking into Ryan’s thrusts in the hope that actively participating would get him more interested in the proceedings.

It felt a little _silly_ to be jerking off during this, like it was _wasting time_ or something, which was the dumbest fucking thought he’d ever had because sex was pretty much the definition of the time for getting off.

He’d still kind of rather jerk off later though.

He wondered if maybe he was over thinking things and had only _convinced_ himself that he was finding this boring. Which, maybe? But he wasn’t sure if it actually _mattered_ if he was only bored because he had talked himself into it or not.

Ray took his hand off his dick and used it to prop himself up some more and reached out to stroke Ryan’s front with his other hand. It wasn’t as much fun as before Ryan had shoved into him, but it was still pretty nice to run his hand over the other man.

“You good?” Ryan grunted.

Ray nodded, “Yep. You just do your do.”

Ryan nodded, taking that for the permission to finish himself off that it was, and picked up his pace.

Ray’s body spasmed a couple of times as Ryan hit his prostate harder, and he closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the feeling.

Ryan didn’t last much longer, cumming with a last few ragged thrusts.

Ray hummed and squeezed his ass around Ryan’s dick, enjoying the last few moments of it in there before Ryan gently slid out and took Ray’s legs off his shoulders and started slowly lowering them.

Ray groaned as the muscles in his legs made themselves known. Ryan went slower in response and Ray delicately stretched them out after Ryan fully placed them back on the bed.

Ryan took off his condom and threw it in the trash before grabbing some tissues and cleaning up some of the lube while Ray tried to bring proper feeling back to his legs. Yeah, he was _definitely_ going to have to stretch more. God he’d be lucky if he wasn’t _limping_ tomorrow.

Ryan lay down next to him, smiling sleepily, “Do you want help with that?” he asked, glancing at Ray’s erection.

Ray shook his head, “Nah.” He’d rather just let it fade on it’s own. He didn’t much feel like having an orgasm at the moment.

"You good?" Ryan asked.

Ray smiled, "Yeah. I am."

Ryan hummed in contentment and let his eyes drift closed, lulling off to sleep.

Ray watched him for a few moments before pulling the covers over both of them and curling up against Ryan.

So that had been fine. _Fun_ at parts, even, and _definitely_ not traumatizing.

He was kind of sure that despite what he had been telling himself over the last few months that he _didn’t_ want to return to his old sex life, but Ray didn’t find himself too worried about it. He could stand being a bit bored for a little after the foreplay stuff, but really, with six of them he didn’t see why he would have too. There was no reason why he couldn’t do the before stuff with one or more of them and then just _not_ join in on the thrusting orgasm part.

Ray suppressed a snort at the fact that he was planning out how to use an orgy to have _less_ sex, but fuck it. Other people’s standards didn’t get to decide how he enjoyed himself with his boyfriends. He wasn’t a monk. He wasn’t a porn star. He was himself and he got to decide what the meant sex-wise.

His ever growing sureness in that thought left a smile on his face as he drifted to sleep.


End file.
